i built my dreams around you
by popexpaulsen
Summary: Fitz and Liv find a way to spend time with eachother at Christmas, despite not being able to spend the holiday the way they both want. A holiday drabble.


**i built my dreams around you**

_I see a better time, when all our dreams come true_

Liv was topping up Abby's wine glass when she heard her phone buzz from the counter. They had decided to spend the day together because since Abby had managed to escape her abusive husband, the were the only family either of them had. Abby had taken responsibility for the cooking due to her friend's decided lack of culinary skills. Liv had compensated by buying the alcohol and offering her apartment for the get together. They had been enjoying themselves as much as possible, but the red head could tell something was off with her best friend. Upon hearing the vibration, Liv's head whipped around and Abby's interest was piqued. Liv moved over to look at the caller I.D. and quickly moved the device to her chest.

"I'm uhh… going to just take this in the bedroom," she told her friend as she padded down the hall and closed the door behind her before finally pressing answer.

"Hi," she murmured, unable to resist smiling at the thought of being able to talk to him.

"Hi, Livvie," he answered. "Merry Christmas."

"So, how does it feel to celebrate the holiday as president elect?" she inquired.

"It feels… surreal. Everything about this feels…" he trails off, trusting she knows him well enough to understand what he means. "The kids are having fun. They're really milking it this year because they know I feel guilty about how I'm not going to be there for them over the next few years."

"Yeah, well they're clever, I bet they know they can get whatever out of you right now."

"Hhmph, yeah, Karen wanted a puppy, so now there's one more family member moving into the White House," Fitz chuckled, happy that his daughter was intuitive enough to realise where there is an opportunity to get her own way. "I'm really going to miss them when they go to boarding school," he continued quietly, feeling comfortable enough with Olivia to be vulnerable. "I really miss you now. I wish you were here."

"Fitz," she sighed, "you're spending Christmas with your family. You shouldn't be thinking about me."

"I'm always thinking about you."

His admission wasn't exactly a surprise to Olivia, but his words still have the power to take her breath away. Sometimes she forgets how impossible their situation is, how she managed to get caught up in this mess of a relationship that she couldn't seem to think her way out of, but talking to him on Christmas Day, whilst his family was waiting for him in the next room really brought her crashing back down to reality.

"We need to stop this soon," she whispered, hating to always be the bad guy, but knowing he would happily live in denial forever if she wasn't.

"I know," he assured her. "I don't want to. Goodnight, Livvie."

She hung up the phone without returning the sentiment, and closed her eyes for a few seconds, needing to gather her bearings for a few seconds before returning to her friend in the living room.

"Who was that?" Abby asked as Liv walked over to join her on the sofa, a knowing look on her face.

"Oh, just an old friend," Liv replied. "Wanted to catch up, we had a good talk." She was so used to lying about him at this stage that she didn't even have to think about it. She quickly changed the topic by asking Abby about a date she had gone on a few nights ago. Her friend launched into a story about the insurance broker who asked for a bite of her steak, _twice,_ and Liv tried to force away thoughts of the man she was in love with enjoying the company of a family she wasn't part of.

"Fitz, you can't call me." Olivia had stepped out of ear shot of her very observant friends to answer his call. She was spending the day with her Gladiators, and she was honestly having such a nice time that she hadn't been thinking about him until she heard the buzz of her phone.

"I know that. I know, I just… wanted to wish to a happy Christmas. And I want to know you're okay."

Olivia sighed, running hand over her eyes. She spent every day since she left the White House actively trying to get over this man, and yet the sound of his voice in her ear still undid her.

"I'm okay, Fitz," she told him, and she meant it, for the most part. "I'm with my people. You don't need to worry about me."

"Okay," he relented. "I want you to know that… I'm really proud of you, Liv. Olivia Pope and Associates? You're just about the most successful person in the country, never mind DC. I'm lucky you ever worked for me."

He meant so much more than he said, and she knew it. Fitz had a way with words that inevitably melted her heart every single time. She hated how easily he managed to make her weak in the knees but had learned to accept that she was never going to be fully in control in his company, even when they weren't together in person.

"Thank you, Mister President," she finally managed, once she could hear her thoughts over her heartbeat. "Merry Christmas. I should go." She hung up before he could convince her otherwise.

Fitz had gone to the Oval to call Liv, and when the call ended, he flopped back in his chair, unable to think about re-joining everyone one, despite knowing his absence wouldn't have gone unnoticed for this long. He missed his Livvie every single day. He couldn't function properly without her. He didn't sleep, his speeches weren't up to scratch, he found it almost impossible to keep his façade for meeting after meeting most of the day, and usually a function at the end of that. The stress of running the country was immense, and however irrational it was, he knew everything would be so much easier if she just came back to him. Pushing up from his seat, he decided he needed to figure out a way to get her back into his life.

The next year he didn't call. It had been two months since he found out she betrayed him, and he was still _livid. _Everything seemed duller that year. The festivities in the White House were as extravagant as ever but Fitz felt as though he wasn't really experiencing any of what was happening. None of this was meant to be for him anyway. He was an imposter in his office, an imposter in the place he had come to call home and to be honest, he didn't feel as though there was much to be jolly about. His baby boy was his saving grace. Teddy had come into existence to save Fitz's presidency, but since his birth, the little boy had been about the only thing saving his sanity. Teddy was too young to understand what was happening, but he was delighted with his new toys all the same. He had recently started to be able to grab onto things, and the way he was waving around the squeaky animal in his hands was delighting everybody. Karen was completely enamoured with her younger brother, but Gerry was slightly more hesitant to be seen interacting with him, although Fitz had a sneaking suspicion that that all changed whenever nobody was looking. He was glad his children had found a way to enjoy the holiday because he knew he was not great company these days, and Mellie was so busy entertaining their guests she barely found the time to acknowledge them all afternoon.

Liv tried and failed not to glance at her phone every few minutes. She knew he wasn't going to call, she wasn't stupid, but that didn't stop her from holding out the tiniest bit of hope that he would continue their tradition. Her friends knew something was wrong. They could tell she hadn't been herself ever since she broke things off with Eddison and they mostly assumed she was finding it hard to spend the day without him.

"Liv, I think you're better off without him," Harrison told her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, making her smile up at him. "Anyway, you have all of us, what more could you ask for?"

"You're right, Harrison," she told him. "I have everything I need right here." The smile she gave him didn't quite reach her eyes, but it was enough to convince him she was feeling better.

"Hey, you want more wine?" he asked, pointing to her almost empty glass.

"Always," she chuckled, holding her glass out for him to top it up.

Fitz had escaped to the bathroom to call Liv this year. It seemed less suspicious than going to the oval, where employees could speculate on what work he could possibly be doing on the holiday. When she picked up, he could hear the smile in her greeting. It was late, and everyone had already left Liv's apartment, so she didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing them. Her gladiators all knew about Fitz at this point, but their conversations still felt so private, like anyone else listening would be intruding on a moment meant just for them.

"I can hear you thinking all the way from here," she murmured after a few seconds of comfortable silence.

"I was just thinking that in a couple years we'll get to spend this day together," he admitted.

"We'll get to spend _every_ day together," she replied, allowing herself a second to indulge in this fantasy with him.

"Woah, I love you so much." The words escaped his mouth without his permission, but the thought of being able to spend days on end by her side was too perfect to keep them on his tongue. She let out a breath through her nose, an overwhelming feeling in her chest willing her to let him know she feels the same, but she still found it so hard to let herself, when he wasn't hers to love. A few seconds of silence passed before Fitz spoke up again.

"So, I got you a present," he started. "I wanted to give it you the last day you were in the office, but we were never alone," he added.

"Fitz, you can't buy me a present! You can't buy me _anything_. There will be a trail and they will find it." Immediately, she had slipped from being his Livvie to his campaign manager, and even though she was mad at him, he couldn't help but love her more for it.

"That's why I didn't buy you anything," he began to explain. "Lauren did. And her hard work and dedication to her job was reflected in her very generous Christmas bonus." He was pleased with himself and she could tell through his tone.

"Oh my gosh, Fitz you are ridiculous!" she laughed at him. She would be less than impressed by him exploiting his employees, but she knew Lauren was a fan of hers and would've been happy to help them out. "So, what is it?" she finally asks, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"I'm not sure if you've ever heard about how presents work, Livvie, but usually you don't find out what it is before you open it," he teased her. She was in a good mood today, and he was enjoying every moment he could with her more playful side.

"Ugh, I hate you," she exclaimed, meaning the complete opposite, and utterly giddy at the thought of receiving a gift from him.

He laughed at her outburst, and glanced at his watch, surprised at how much time had passed since he escaped to talk to her. He hated to be the one to end their conversations, but this was the one day he got to spend with all of his children, and he needed to get back to them.

"Liv, I have to go," he told her.

"Okay, she whispered, her mood immediately shifting. "I'll see you soon. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Livvie," he sighed as he hung up.

Olivia had successfully managed to push every single person who was important to her away this Christmas. Huck had been persistent, ever worried about his friend, but she insisted that she wanted to spend the day alone and he eventually relented. When Fitz called, she had been curled up on the sofa, her arms wrapped around her knees, staring at the door, convinced someone was going to burst through it at any moment. She didn't want to talk to him, but the buzzing was raising her anxiety and if she didn't answer, he'd call again until she eventually picked up, so she decided to give up the battle before it even started. She rose to pick her phone up from the coffee table, and in her frenzy to answer it, she knocked over an empty glass.

"Shit!" she exclaimed as she picked up, and Fitz could immediately sense the chaotic energy emanating from her.

"Liv, what happened? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. He knew that the lingering effects of the kidnapping were really affecting Liv, and he worried about her constantly.

"I, uhh… broke a glass, I…" she seemed to get distracted before she could answer him and his concern for her grew.

"Liv, what's wrong?" he pressed.

"Nothing… I heard a noise, I think… I'm fine. I'm okay," she tried to assure him, but he could hear the panic in her voice, and he rose from his seat, his decision made.

"I'm coming over there, Livvie," he told her in no uncertain terms.

"No, Fitz, you can't come over. It's Christmas, you can't leave," she pleaded, completely unwilling to let him see her in this state.

"I can and I will," he insisted. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes, so when you hear knocking, don't worry okay? It's just me." His voice grew softer as he said this, willing her to let him in.

"Okay," she whispered, giving in. She moved back to the couch to wait for him, not trusting herself to clean up the glass in her state.

When he knocked on her door fifteen minutes later, she waited for him to call her name, confirming it was him before she moved to answer. He visibly relaxed upon seeing her, although his worry was still evident in his features. His heart broke upon seeing how distressed she looked, and he immediately gathered her in his arms, kicking the door closed behind him and wishing he could piece her back together with his strength. Fitz's face upon seeing her was enough to push her over the edge, and as soon as she felt his arms around her, she collapsed into tears.

"Oh, Livvie," he mumbled into her hair. "I'm so, so, sorry." He rubbed his hands up and down her back, trying his best to soothe her, but wanting her to let her feelings out at the same time.

"Why don't we move to the couch?" he eventually asks her.

"Bedroom," she gets out between gasping sobs, and he moves back to look at her face. "There's still glass," she explained.

He let her lead her into the bedroom, and they settled onto the bed, where she moved to settle into his arms once more. They lay silently for a while, Liv's breathing eventually returning to normal as his presence calms her.

"Thanks for coming over," she whispered to him, without looking up from her spot on his chest. "I'm sorry for being like this, I can't seem to fix this."

"Hey, you don't have to explain yourself to me," he assured her. "And besides, we're finally getting to spend a Christmas together, so I think I'm the real winner here."

She giggled and shuffled around a little until she was comfy.

"Can you stay for a bit?" she asked.

"I'll stay for as long as you need," he whispered, and kissed her hair, wishing he could've told her he'd stay forever.

**A/N: I don't think anyone needs me to remind them what happens the next Christmas. Title and lyrics at the start from Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. I took a little bit of creative license with the timeline because, honestly it's hard to figure out. Hope you enjoyed.**


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